What in the world…

Who knew that when I posted my last post, on July 3rd, at 5 pm, that just a few short hours later, everything in my world would change. It’s funny reading it now.. like talking about how I struggle to focus on things because I’m often focusing on so many things. Well. That shut me up.

And made me focus.

Today I was reading something on another blog about how to continue writing when life is blowing up around you, and I was reminded that writing is something that is important, of course, but that it’s also okay to take breaks when needed. Writing is often an escape, but it’s also a place for me to sort out emotions. Until there are too many emotions to sort out in any particular moment. And having some grace with myself to step back and process is important.

Over the last few days, I’ve been thinking about how I would come back to this space and at what level would I share what’s been happening..

Here we go…

On July 3rd, I was home alone, when some crazy, angry, delusional person opened fire into my apartment. Only by the grace of God I didn’t get up to open the door when I heard someone coming up the steps (like I normally would’ve done) and that the shooter didn’t understand the layout of my apartment and where his bullets were landing. Forty-five minutes later, the same shooter opened fire into another apartment in the next complex over. The alleged shooter was caught three days after the incident and is in custody awaiting trial. That’s all I can share, and that’s public knowledge. The rest is tied up in legal mumbo jumbo.

We are safe.

Trying to process through that with my kiddo and myself, while in the midst of a huge work project, and then into my busiest work season has been… challenging. And difficult. And life-altering, to say the least.

One of the things that made me angry at myself, though, was how I got angry with God. Not at first.. I was grateful for His protection, in the beginning. But then I was angry. I was angry that I have felt like the last year has ripped me open over and over again. I was angry that every time I thought we were swinging toward some lasting goodness, there would be another punch to the neck and something taken from me. I was angry that with every wave of grief over the last year I leaned into Him and dug deeper in my relationship with Him. And then this happened. It was the literal straw that broke the momma’s back. I was getting closer and closer to Him and this was my reward? This was what surrendering to Him looked like? NO thank you. I mean, I’ll love Him, but not like that.. it hurts too much.

But then… God.

I tried so hard to stay mad at Him. Have you ever tried to be mad at someone and you just couldn’t?

Maybe it was the softness in His spirit;
or the gentleness of His love;
or the patience He showed toward me;
or the tenderness of His relentless pursuit for my heart even when I was so done;
or the willingness He had to let me be angry and not be mad or hold it against me;
or the desire He had to love me even though I was not being lovable;
or the mercy He showed me when I screamed that His way was too hard;
or the grace He freely gave to cover me as I crawled back to Him.

This was between me and Him. There was no one to walk through this with me or to encourage me along the way… it was me and Him. On an island. Working through some messy stuff. Have you been there? On that lonely island?

Here are some truths I’ve learned, some for the first time and some for the second or third time…
He didn’t put me on that isolated island. I did that to myself. I refused to allow anyone to walk through this with me because I was too busy being mad. And angry. And bitter.
He didn’t do this to me. We live in a fallen world with broken people. The enemy is real and he knows how to cause division. It’s his whole purpose on earth. Trying to separate us from Him.
He didn’t push me away from Him. I went headstrong in the other direction.
He didn’t force me to stay near to Him if I didn’t want to, I have a choice in the matter.
He didn’t hide Himself from me when I was ready to go to Him.
He didn’t try to offer me an explanation, He just wanted me to trust Him.

We’ve all heard the phrase that bad things happen to good people. And godly people. Being a good, godly person doesn’t mean we’re immune to the suffering of the world. But it does mean that we have a Place of retreat when the suffering is too great for us to handle alone. It does mean that we have a Provider who will find a way to keep us moving forward. It does mean that He will knock down walls to remind us that we’re important to Him. And that He loves us deeply.

We are His beloved.
He is our Defender.
We have a purpose.
He will position us for our purpose.

Oh, friends, sometimes it will be hard to let His love take hold of us and carry us. He wants to be near to us and has a steadfast love for us. His faithful pursuit for our hearts is steady. Even when our thoughts are all jumbled, His promises for us will come to pass when we remain in a place of surrender and obedience. Temporal existence is just a blimp on the radar when we have eternity in mind. I want to be a woman focused on eternity and the Kingdom. Even when it hurts. Even when I’m angry. Even when I’m scared.

 

 

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Day 8…

Share something you struggle with. 

I have lots of struggles… way too many, I think. One of the things that frustrates me about myself is that I can sometimes have difficulty focusing. Even this post has had four different “struggles” already because I can’t focus on which one I want to write about here. (and now we’re on day 3 of it just sitting here because I can’t seem to finish it.)

My focus can either be all-consuming on one thing or it’s completely scattered on several (read hundreds of) things. In either event, there isn’t the balance I’d like to have in order to be and stay productive and efficient and effective.

Sometimes the ideas I have will overwhelm me so much that it’s paralyzing and so, nothing happens even though there are so many good ideas about something. And sometimes I just have overall commitment issues… like this 30 day writing challenge. We’re on Day 8 and I’m totally over it and it’s taken me like 3 weeks just to do 8 days! haha.

Maybe we’ll see Day 9… maybe we won’t. 😉

Day 7…

This is my favorite day yet…

List 12 songs that you’re loving right now. 

In no particular order:

Day 6…

One of the things I’ve noticed since moving to TX is how people “do church” here. Church in the bible belt is much more cultural and/or obligatory and a lot less about a person having a growing, deepening, personal relationship with God.

In the last couple of months, I’ve talked to other people, from other areas, who also noticed the same thing. And, to make me feel like it’s truly legit, my pastor talked about it during his sermon yesterday. Finally, I feel like my theory is supported and has some footing.

All of that doesn’t have anything to do with today’s post, but I think that it’s important to point out how I’m not crazy from time to time. 😉

Five ways to win my heart.

Winning my heart is tricky business. I love really big and I can accept love pretty well, mostly. But, if we get into that whole romantic love thing… well, I’m pretty guarded and messy there. I’m healed. I’m whole. I’m careful.

 

So, let’s talk about other ways to win my heart and not about “oh, baby, I want to marry you” kinda ways, mkay?

 

 

Coffee, as soon as my eyes pop open – that wins my heart. Well, until I get married… let’s be real, shall we? There just might be something else that pops my eyes open in the morning once I have my hunka man… buuuuut until then – coffee.

Man on man love. I love me a good bromance. When I see men encouraging one another, praying for one another, and supporting one another – all my “I wanna have his baby” sirens start to go off. Mind you, I’m not having anyone’s babies, but the sirens still work, amen? Yes.

Cannolis… let’s just keep things nice and simple. If you wanna win my heart, bring me a cannoli. I didn’t get this voluptuous frame by eating salads all day… 😉

Ridiculous kindness. Like really, we can never overdo it on the kindness front. We need to pour it out of our pores like it’s the most natural thing we’ve ever done. We should be, literally, tripping over one another to beat the other one to the task. Think of a world where people are fighting about who gets to do the next kind thing. That’s my kinda world.

Acceptance… I have fought long, hard, and dirty for the woman I am today. I will accept nothing other than someone who can take me at face value. I can be a crazy, silly nutball or I can be a deep thinking lover, and everything in between. You can challenge me to be a better version of myself, but you must accept who I am today – with all of my wacky-do doodles.

Tell me about things that would win your heart!

Day 5…

List 5 places you want to visit.

1) Zambia. I’m in love with this country and I’m not all together sure why. I know the AIDS epidemic hit that country really hard and the orphan population is massive. I continue to tell myself that God hasn’t allowed this trip to happen yet because I don’t have enough self-control. I can see that I would either come home and try to figure out how to adopt at least 27 children I met while there or I would just stay there and never come back. My heart isn’t ready for it. I know this about myself.

2) New Zealand. Because it’s NZ. All the pictures I’ve seen of NZ are breathtaking and I’d love to see it in person some day. Also the Maori culture is pretty fascinating to me, from the language to the arts to the haka that I love so much. I’m pretty sure if I witnessed a haka in person, I would be a puddly mess for the rest of the day. Click here to see one of the hakas explained; the Tika Tonu. There are many different hakas, and I love them all.

3) The west coast of the US, from northern CA up to the Canadian border (and probably just over because one of my friends lives in Nanaimo!). I’ve never been to that area of the country and it’s on my list of places to visit. Specifically I’d like to visit; Yosemite National Park, San Francisco – both in CA. Warm Springs Indian Reservation and Mt. Hood National Park in Oregon. Then up to WA state – I would spend lots of time here, if possible. First stop in Kennewick because #friends. Then up to Moses Lake because #friends. Then off to Seattle because #friends and #Seattle. Then to Olympic National Park, La Push coastal beaches, and back to Seattle. Before I decided to land in TX, WA state and Zambia were my other two choices of places to live. The lack of sun was literally the only thing that kept me from not choosing WA. I do think I could fall in love with it, though.

4) The northeastern coast of the US; from CT up through ME. This is another section of the country I’ve never visited. When I was a teenager, I was in love with Boston. I’m not entirely sure why, but it may have started with NKOTB and Donnie, specifically. 😉 I even hoped to attend college there one day. Alas, I’ve yet to visit, but in me they will always have a die-hard Pats fan! The entire New England area has me pretty mesmerized with its overall beauty and charm, but I am so.over.snow and would probably never live there… But God.. heh.

5) Somewhere tropical. I don’t even care where because so many places are beautiful. I wanna see blue-green water, walk on fine sandy beaches, see a parrot, eat amazing food and drink amazing drinks. I wanna fall asleep with waves lulling me there.

Where do YOU wanna visit?

Day 4…

I skipped this day on purpose because I am choosing not to answer… at least not in the way it’s meant to be answered.

Write about someone who inspires you. 

Too many people inspire me. Some still around. Some are not. Some who have hurt me. Some who have helped save me. I’ve been inspired through their words, actions, inactions, kindness toward others, their drive and motivation, their laziness. I’ve been inspired by both knowledge and ignorance, strength and weakness; anything can propel me toward my own goals by their own means.

So, I can’t write about someone who inspires me when everything around me inspires me in some capacity. Maybe one day I’ll be able to think about this more concisely, but if not, I’m okay gathering inspirations from the stars to the dirt.

Day 3…

I wish this day were harder to think up something good… but it’s not. I’m a bit obsessive about things, which means I can get peevey when it’s amiss. I’m workin on it, y’all.

Day 3: What are your top three pet peeves?

And for all of you who know me, number 1 iiiiisss… ? Yes, the chewing. Get.It.All.The.Way.TOGETHER. man! I’ve left the room while my mom eats salad because it’s just something with my mom’s mouth saliva vs the ratio of lettuce/tomato intake mixed with dressing — or something. I don’t know. I have big, fat issues with people and their chewing. I also always feel the need to defend this a little, too. It’s been an issue for 40+ years – since I was a child. It’s not some new cool thing to say makes me crazy, it can literally make me crazy. Please, if you have a chance, ask me about the guy at the movie theater and his popcorn. You will see a visual storytelling that will have you feeling my pain!

I feel like the next two that come to mind are also either chewing related or general sound related, and I’m trying to think of something else. I used to really be obsessive about my pantry but then – kids grow up and make things messy and it’s not that important in the big scheme of things and I had a choice to be angry at my kid all the time for messing up the pantry or to love him despite his less than OCD tendencies. I chose the latter.

Oh! Inconsiderate drivers. Bah. Much like most of the world, a little less selfishness and a little more consideration for others would make so many things better; including the roads. Don’t tailgate. Don’t cut people off. Be a good merger/mergee.

The last one would probably be littering. Ugh. Such a disgusting habit. It amazes me that someone can just open the window to their car and throw things out of it. Blech.

Okay, one more sound one.. remember, I said I have issues. Unnecessarily loud breathing is enough to drive me completely mad sometimes. Trust me, I get mad at myself for a persons breathing being an annoyance to me… but, well, I’ll be perfect in heaven.

There you have it – things that will make me bonkers and probably explain why I’m single at 46. 😉

For your viewing pleasure, here are a few more random thoughts.

Day 2…

Day 2 of the writing challenge tells me…

Write something that someone told you about yourself that you never forgot. 

Assuming I remember things is already making this challenge challenging. 😉

I’d like to think I have lots of things to write about, actually. I like to ask questions about myself, for self discovery and for correction, if needed. I’m also really grateful for the people who are close to me and trust me and our relationship enough to talk to me about things that aren’t easy to hear. I can’t pretend that I *always* receive it with grace, I’m not Jesus.

One thing that comes to mind fairly often, though, is something my mom said to me back in my early, early 20’s. I broke up with a man who, for all intents and purposes, was a really great man. He was definitely head and shoulders above anyone I’d ever dated. He had his own home, a solid, well-paying job, his own car, etc… On paper, the man was an ace!

The problem was… I didn’t like him. I wanted to like him. I really did. But he bored me to tears. His lack of comedic adventure stifled every bit of my personality. His inability to have deep, meaningful conversations left me wanting to talk to his friends or other people… anyone… more than him.

You guys… so boring. Such a good, good, boring man.

We had the opportunity to be a power couple – since we both worked for the “Big 3” and we coulda done some things. But after trying to make it work and hoping he’d come around to maybe laugh sometimes, but realizing it just wasn’t in him, I broke it off.

My mom told me how proud she was of me that I would rather be alone than to be stuck in a relationship that wasn’t good or that wasn’t for me or that wasn’t going to allow me to be myself. She told me that most people would have another one ready to take up that empty space before getting rid of the first one. But the fact that I didn’t need to fill that space with just anyone made her really proud of me.

I guess it’s made me really proud of me too. I’ve spent most of my life since then single and, mostly, I’m okay with it. I would love to marry someday, but I’d love to marry the man who will allow me to be myself and to be who God created me to be. Someone who will embrace my nuttiness and want to understand my brokenness. I have no desire to settle for someone who won’t walk this road with me or help us make a new path all together. And, for the record, it isn’t all about me and my needs, but there does have to be a willingness to accept and embrace the quirkiness of one another.

I play an imaginary bango on my hair, y’all… not everyone can be okay with that. ❤

Day 1…

I’ve been working too much. Even when I’m not working, I’m thinking about work. We’re in the middle of a big project, and it seems like it’s consuming too much of my brain space.

So. Writing Challenge accepted. I need to push myself and remind myself to think outside of what’s happening right in front of me sometimes.

Day 1 – List 10 things that make you really happy. 

1. Jesus. He legit makes me happy. I suppose it’s knowing who I am in Him that makes me happy. The freedom I have in Him and because of Him. The depth of love He’s put in my heart for His people. He gives me life.
2. My kid. By kid, I mean my man child. His life gave me a purpose I never knew I’d have or want. He’s broken my heart, taught me tough lessons, and healed me all at the same time. He’s like a magic man or something.
3. My grandgirls. They are the best thing to experience as a woman. I never knew that a love like that existed. I don’t even know how to explain it. People can talk about it, but until it happens… the brain just can’t compute that kind of love.
4. Mia. She birthed my grandgirls and shared my home for almost 3 years off and on. We did life pretty well together. She made me laugh – a little too much sometimes. She will always have a special spot in my heart space.
5. Music. There’s not a genre I won’t enjoy at least a little bit. Especially if it’s live. Maybe not screamo. Yeah, not that.
6. The sky. I don’t care if it’s cloudy or sunny or sunsetting or sunrising. The sky will forever fascinate me. It’s God’s majesty in a way that my eyes can see.
7. Friends and family. People who really, REALLY, get me. They’re my heroes. I’m not an easy person to get along with or to love or to understand, but they keep coming back.. over and over. And over again. They push me to be my best self.
8. Cooking. If you want to know where I’m happiest, it’s in the kitchen. I’m a caretaker/nurturer by nature… but when I get to feed people, I feel like love is exploding outside of my body. It’s never felt like a chore or tedious. I’m always excited to do it.
9. Writing. Probably right after cooking is writing. I like to do it because it scares the crap outta me. For instance, today I should really be writing about something else… I’ve been thinking about it all day, but I’m scared. It’s gonna hurt to write it because I have to admit some things I don’t want to admit; my shortcomings. But I’ll do it. Just not today. Today I’m making myself busy with a list of things that make me happy. #avoidancetechniques101
10. Work. It’s true. I actually enjoy getting up and going into work. Don’t get me wrong.. work can kick my tail, but in the two years I’ve been there, I’ve never woken up in the morning and dreaded going into work. That’s a win if you ask me.
11. Eleven, because I’m naughty. Homemade cookies and/or warm, buttery toast. Either of these make me happy. It’s wrong for food to do that to a person, but well.. whatever. I didn’t get to be this fabulous, voluptuous woman without them, so why stop now. 😉

This is a 30 day challenge, so I’ll be back at it tomorrow with another prompt that will get me sharing some useless stuff that might maybe occasionally be funny or it could be difficult. If we’re lucky, maybe even some helpful tips, tricks, and techniques about living life. If nothing else, in a month, you’ll all know me a little better than you do today. ❤

Abba Father…

A few months ago, I had a pretty significant conversation with one of my dearests about calling God “daddy” or “dad” or “papa” and how I struggled with it. In some ways, I felt like we were reducing this big, huge, almighty, most powerful, awesome God to something so small as a dad. I also felt like my idea of what a dad is and what God is just didn’t line up – the two things didn’t match in my brain or my heart.

Then comes along a guest speaker at church yesterday, and the title of his message was “Call Me Dad”. sigh. The Holy Spirit was about to do some work in my heart, I knew it.

1 John 3:1 (AMP) says, “See what an incredible quality of love the Father has shown to us, that we would [be permitted to] be named and called and counted the children of God! And so we are! For this reason the world does not know us, because it did not know Him.”

Luckily that was the only scripture for the whole sermon because there’s definitely enough in there for me to unpack without any additional words.

One thing I learned yesterday is that there is a brokenness in my definition of the word “dad”. What it means to me is not God. And in many ways it’s not a good word at all. I also am beginning to understand that my definition of the word dad was never meant to be based on my earthly experiences or understanding. If I’m trying to make God synonymous with an earthy father, the two will never align.

Part of yesterday’s message was trying to understand how God wants me to see Him. “How do I get Him the way He wants to be got?” was a repeating question.

We need to understand how to rest in God’s great love. As we know, it isn’t based on our own works. We can’t earn His love. Nothing we do will make Him love us more. This is such good news! It means that no matter what, His GREAT love – not minimal love, not mediocre love, not withholding love – but His GREAT love is already ours. We had nothing to do with the way He loves us, He just does it. If we’ve been a believer for any length of time, this isn’t new news, but it is news that we sometimes forget. Or that we can’t fully grasp. Let’s continue to remind each other, okay?

We need to learn to receive the gift of lavish grace. The pastor used an analogy of biscuits and gravy and the way he told it would be no good in written format, but it is something we can visualize… a plate of warm biscuits with gravy smothering so much it’s running off the plate – that’s God’s grace. It’s so much that it overflows and we can’t even get all of it. Similar to His love, we can’t buy or earn His grace, it’s just ours. And it’s a gift… we all know that once we try to earn or buy something, we take the concept of it being a gift away. It’s free. And it’s ours. He gives it no matter if we think we deserve it or not. Addictions? Grace. Adultery? Grace. Porn? Grace. Lying? Grace. Selfishness? Grace. There’s literally nothing His grace cannot touch.

Finally, as it’s stated in the scripture above, we have to allow God to rename us. He calls us daughter and son. He has given us that name and when we (I) take that away from Him and refuse to call Him dad, I’m saying what His word says isn’t right or true. I’m saying that He didn’t rename me to be His precious daughter. We have allowed the world around us to name us. We’ve picked up the names the enemy has given us; unworthy, unattractive, unlovable, unbelieving, fat, guilty, shame, dumb, ugly, etc… These names have been given to us by someone who has no power or permission to name us. Our identity comes directly and solely from Christ. We have to stop giving the rights of who we are and to Whom we belong away so easily.

So, I’m convinced. Calling Him “Dad” is not minimizing who God is nor is it comparing Him to my own definition of what a dad looks like here in the world. Abba, Daddy God, Dad, Poppa, or whichever version of Father I land on, is allowing my heart to be consumed with a great love that shows lavish grace to me and Who calls me His own. Thanks, Dad.