Day 2…

Day 2 of the writing challenge tells me…

Write something that someone told you about yourself that you never forgot. 

Assuming I remember things is already making this challenge challenging. 😉

I’d like to think I have lots of things to write about, actually. I like to ask questions about myself, for self discovery and for correction, if needed. I’m also really grateful for the people who are close to me and trust me and our relationship enough to talk to me about things that aren’t easy to hear. I can’t pretend that I *always* receive it with grace, I’m not Jesus.

One thing that comes to mind fairly often, though, is something my mom said to me back in my early, early 20’s. I broke up with a man who, for all intents and purposes, was a really great man. He was definitely head and shoulders above anyone I’d ever dated. He had his own home, a solid, well-paying job, his own car, etc… On paper, the man was an ace!

The problem was… I didn’t like him. I wanted to like him. I really did. But he bored me to tears. His lack of comedic adventure stifled every bit of my personality. His inability to have deep, meaningful conversations left me wanting to talk to his friends or other people… anyone… more than him.

You guys… so boring. Such a good, good, boring man.

We had the opportunity to be a power couple – since we both worked for the “Big 3” and we coulda done some things. But after trying to make it work and hoping he’d come around to maybe laugh sometimes, but realizing it just wasn’t in him, I broke it off.

My mom told me how proud she was of me that I would rather be alone than to be stuck in a relationship that wasn’t good or that wasn’t for me or that wasn’t going to allow me to be myself. She told me that most people would have another one ready to take up that empty space before getting rid of the first one. But the fact that I didn’t need to fill that space with just anyone made her really proud of me.

I guess it’s made me really proud of me too. I’ve spent most of my life since then single and, mostly, I’m okay with it. I would love to marry someday, but I’d love to marry the man who will allow me to be myself and to be who God created me to be. Someone who will embrace my nuttiness and want to understand my brokenness. I have no desire to settle for someone who won’t walk this road with me or help us make a new path all together. And, for the record, it isn’t all about me and my needs, but there does have to be a willingness to accept and embrace the quirkiness of one another.

I play an imaginary bango on my hair, y’all… not everyone can be okay with that. ❤

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Day 1…

I’ve been working too much. Even when I’m not working, I’m thinking about work. We’re in the middle of a big project, and it seems like it’s consuming too much of my brain space.

So. Writing Challenge accepted. I need to push myself and remind myself to think outside of what’s happening right in front of me sometimes.

Day 1 – List 10 things that make you really happy. 

1. Jesus. He legit makes me happy. I suppose it’s knowing who I am in Him that makes me happy. The freedom I have in Him and because of Him. The depth of love He’s put in my heart for His people. He gives me life.
2. My kid. By kid, I mean my man child. His life gave me a purpose I never knew I’d have or want. He’s broken my heart, taught me tough lessons, and healed me all at the same time. He’s like a magic man or something.
3. My grandgirls. They are the best thing to experience as a woman. I never knew that a love like that existed. I don’t even know how to explain it. People can talk about it, but until it happens… the brain just can’t compute that kind of love.
4. Mia. She birthed my grandgirls and shared my home for almost 3 years off and on. We did life pretty well together. She made me laugh – a little too much sometimes. She will always have a special spot in my heart space.
5. Music. There’s not a genre I won’t enjoy at least a little bit. Especially if it’s live. Maybe not screamo. Yeah, not that.
6. The sky. I don’t care if it’s cloudy or sunny or sunsetting or sunrising. The sky will forever fascinate me. It’s God’s majesty in a way that my eyes can see.
7. Friends and family. People who really, REALLY, get me. They’re my heroes. I’m not an easy person to get along with or to love or to understand, but they keep coming back.. over and over. And over again. They push me to be my best self.
8. Cooking. If you want to know where I’m happiest, it’s in the kitchen. I’m a caretaker/nurturer by nature… but when I get to feed people, I feel like love is exploding outside of my body. It’s never felt like a chore or tedious. I’m always excited to do it.
9. Writing. Probably right after cooking is writing. I like to do it because it scares the crap outta me. For instance, today I should really be writing about something else… I’ve been thinking about it all day, but I’m scared. It’s gonna hurt to write it because I have to admit some things I don’t want to admit; my shortcomings. But I’ll do it. Just not today. Today I’m making myself busy with a list of things that make me happy. #avoidancetechniques101
10. Work. It’s true. I actually enjoy getting up and going into work. Don’t get me wrong.. work can kick my tail, but in the two years I’ve been there, I’ve never woken up in the morning and dreaded going into work. That’s a win if you ask me.
11. Eleven, because I’m naughty. Homemade cookies and/or warm, buttery toast. Either of these make me happy. It’s wrong for food to do that to a person, but well.. whatever. I didn’t get to be this fabulous, voluptuous woman without them, so why stop now. 😉

This is a 30 day challenge, so I’ll be back at it tomorrow with another prompt that will get me sharing some useless stuff that might maybe occasionally be funny or it could be difficult. If we’re lucky, maybe even some helpful tips, tricks, and techniques about living life. If nothing else, in a month, you’ll all know me a little better than you do today. ❤

I’m okay, you’re okay…

Most of my single friends will agree that we go through stages of being okay if that’s what God has for us, but other times we’re solidly and vehemently against any notion of that idea. Whether we choose to admit it or not, we all long to be loved. God created us to be in relationship with one another. While I believe all forms of relationship are important, I sincerely believe in the importance of close, intimate relationships too. Sadly, many of us have never known them and may never in this lifetime.

When I’m trying to speak life into my other single friends who are questioning why their desires aren’t being met, I have to really give myself a good pep talk ahead of time sometimes… like… okay, you DO believe what you’re about to say… maybe you don’t believe it right now, but deep down you know it’s true and you just have to keep on saying it to yourself, to others, to any single soul who wants to feel the love of another soul… and then I say…

“I don’t know. I have no idea why God is doing what He’s doing in your life or in my own. I don’t know why we’re having to wait. I don’t know what the lesson is to be learned. I don’t know why this person gets a spouse and that person doesn’t. I don’t know if it’s because there is still so much work to be done in our own hearts and lives that He’s just not able to put us together yet. I don’t know if it’s because our spouses are going through their own transitions. I don’t know.

What I do know.. We are loved. God is our faithful Provider and I stand firmly in the truth of that. God is omniscient. He knows things that we can’t even begin to understand or wrap our brains around. I know that God will, in His timing, put us in the exact place He needs us to be for His purpose. God has a path and purpose for each one of us and we might never be in a position to understand what it all means. Stay obedient. Stay in prayer. Stay humble. Be a lovely soul. Have faith that God is going to do the very thing that needs to be done in order for His plans to be carried out.”

And sometimes that’s enough. Other times it isn’t. Some of us really need time to process through the pain of loneliness and unmet desires. We need to be able to sit and be sad about things that aren’t happening that we’ve been praying to happen. We need to be bummed out about rejections every now and then. We aren’t machines…

I feel like one of the strengths that God has given to some of us is to have big huge hearts for people and a willingness to meet them exactly where they are in whatever messy state they’re in, but to also love them firmly with His truth. Being in community with other singles can be hard because we’re all in such different places with such different experiences and hurts… I hope, though, that we’re able to love well the people in front of us, no matter what part of the path they find themselves. We are all in need of extra measures of grace and a wealth of mercy as we process through our stages.

I’m particularly grateful for my friends who have loved me at every lovely and terrible stage of singleness I’ve visited. You’re my people. ❤

Not into (relationship with) you…

This advice applies to men or women, despite the gender noted in the quote… I’m a girl, I pick girl quotes.😉

It’s so difficult to fall out of relationship with someone and not want answers and closure that will make sense to our hearts. I’m talking about any relationships. When the girls left, I was desperate for answers that just weren’t being given to me.

Anytime a meaningful relationship ends and we weren’t the ones ending it (but even sometimes then…), we are going to feel gaps in our day, our night, our heart because they were once filled with that person(s).

The level of restraint that needs to happen, when we so desperately want to connect, is what I call miracles of biblical proportion. 🤐

I’m a word person, I want to communicate. I long to make sure my feelings are known and understood. I also want to make sure that person knows, no matter what’s happened, I’m here. I don’t hold grudges, I’m not angry, and to remind them, in case they forgot what kind of person I am, relationships and people are important to me.

But God…

His word is where we need to press in when we’re feeling a desire to fill that gap or hole. His word will reveal to us truths about ourselves in order to move through the day. It will give us strength to be filled up with HIM and not with the desire to connect with someone who’s chosen to walk away.

And if you’re anything like me, you may be constantly checking your phone or messenger to see if they’ve finally come to their senses… Probably not. And constant checking might be our own slow form of torture… stop that.

Allow yourself some extra time to study what He has for you. He is always there to fill those spaces that are empty and a little bit needy.

Ephesians 6:10 (AMP) In conclusion, be strong in the Lord [draw your strength from Him and be empowered through your union with Him] and in the power of His [boundless] might.

Philippians 4:8-9 (AMP) Finally, believers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable and worthy of respect, whatever is right and confirmed by God’s word, whatever is pure and wholesome, whatever is lovely and brings peace, whatever is admirable and of good repute; if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think continually on these things [center your mind on them, and implant them in your heart]. The things which you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things [in daily life], and the God [who is the source] of peace and well-being will be with you.

It’s not you, it’s…

I feel like I’ve had too many opportunities to grieve for people who aren’t dead, but have chosen to walk away or abandon relationship with me. Often times, when my heart has been invested, and someone walks away – especially with no explanation – it causes me to really turn inward, to question who I am, my personality, my motives, my pride, my appearance, my goodness, my obedience…

It makes me wonder what it is about me that makes me such an easy person to leave.

In theory, I should be able to easily grasp that I’m not always the reason they’re leaving. Admittedly, sometimes I am, though. I should also understand that other people have their own stuff to work out and their own wrestling match with God happening. I should also acknowledge other people have a choice to walk in their own obedience or not. These things I know and understand, in theory.

If only we could live in the land of shoulds and theories.

God has been doing a solid work in me over the last couple of weeks as I came face to face with another round of rejection. I made a promise to write more about the things that hurt, otherwise I would normally steer clear of sharing such a raw, tender spot. However, I know God has called me into this space to share and that He will use it to encourage another broken soul.

Friends, the enemy will try to invade, attack, and worm his way in by any means necessary. Ephesians 6: 11 tells us to prepare ourselves with the full armor of God to protect us against the schemes of the devil. If the devil can use a diminished sense of confidence in order to gain a foothold in our heart, reminding us how we’re not worthy of relationship with others, or we’ll never have the family we crave, or whatever tactic he tries, then we’re giving him a power over us that he does.not.get.to.have. No.

We have the Holy Spirit of the living God living inside us! The Creator of the world and the devil cannot reside in the same space. It’s not possible. That means that every time the enemy tries to attack, we have to pull up the armor of God, we have to connect with our community and those God has given to us to be our helpers and unbinders, and we have to walk back into the confidence that God has poured into us as we’ve built relationship with Him.

Choosing to no longer invest in others or to no longer be vulnerable isn’t reasonable, or biblical.

We do get to choose to stay in the Word, remain prayerful about our relationships, to remain connected with community, though. While that won’t necessarily stop the pain or the grief from happening, God will be there to comfort us in that grief. He will give us the power to walk in a spirit of grace and forgiveness. It’s okay to sit back for a bit, learn some lessons, restore our broken parts, refresh our spirits… but then we have to surrender ourselves to Him again so that He can continue to teach, mold, and use us for His glory and purpose.

Walking through a broken moment or season is much more tolerable when we’re allowing God to walk alongside us. He loves us so deeply and with such fervor. And He will never, not once, not even for a nanosecond, decide to walk away from us or abandon us.

Ephesians 6:10-18 Amplified Bible (AMP)

¹⁰ In conclusion, be strong in the Lord [draw your strength from Him and be empowered through your union with Him] and in the power of His [boundless] might. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God [for His precepts are like the splendid armor of a heavily-armed soldier], so that you may be able to [successfully] stand up against all the schemes and the strategies and the deceits of the devil. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood [contending only with physical opponents], but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this [present] darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly (supernatural) places. ¹³ Therefore, put on the complete armor of God, so that you will be able to [successfully] resist and stand your ground in the evil day [of danger], and having done everything [that the crisis demands], to stand firm [in your place, fully prepared, immovable, victorious]. ¹⁴ So stand firm and hold your ground, having tightened the wide band of truth (personal integrity, moral courage) around your waist and having put on the breastplate of righteousness (an upright heart), ¹⁵ and having strapped on your feet the gospel of peace in preparation [to face the enemy with firm-footed stability and the readiness produced by the good news]. ¹⁶ Above all, lift up the [protective] shield of faith with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God. ¹⁸ With all prayer and petition pray [with specific requests] at all times [on every occasion and in every season] in the Spirit, and with this in view, stay alert with all perseverance and petition [interceding in prayer] for all God’s people.

Time for a Restart

It’s been one and a half years since my last post and even those last few were basic explanations about why I wasn’t writing more…

I think I’m back. For now anyway. 

When I was in my quiet time over the last few weeks, I was really just trying to understand my next move. I thought through my gifts and talents… how can I be used?

Two things always come to mind. I cook well. I write well.

So, here I am.

In seasons of restarts, there might be a few misstarts (totally not a word…) and I’m in a place now that lends itself well to some trial and error in life. I will probably make some mistakes or missteps along the way, and I’m so glad to invite you all on the journey with me! =]

Let’s enjoy this season of restarting together…