Finding my serenity, finally.

Psalm 119:10 – I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands.

oceansunfoldinglovely

In the last couple of weeks, things have become a bit manic in my world. I knew when things started happening; it would be fast and furious.

It has been. It is.

The good news is that when God is in front, leading the charge, in control – things just seem peaceful, even when it’s all a little crazy.

As some of you know, I went through a bit of a dark season this winter. Probably one of the darkest in my life. I don’t know why. I don’t know when it started. I don’t even know how. Just all of a sudden, there it was and I was stuck right in the middle of it. I was in the pit. I felt isolated, alone, desperate, broken. My relationships were suffering. It was just all off.

I didn’t know how to fix it. Any of it. For once, I really felt out of control with everything. Nothing made sense to me.

Then, slowly, with lots of prayer, a vision started to develop. One that’s been brewing for years and suddenly it was taking shape. Of course, the shape was different than I expected or imagined. But so many things began to fall into place.

Once the plan started moving, being revealed, and opening up – so did my spirit! It was like all that darkness just ran off me. Like a flood came and washed it all away. I’m telling you – strangest, most beautiful thing ever. It was God. He was all.over.me. And I *knew* it. I didn’t just believe it or have faith in it… I *knew* it because I could feel Him.

Then last week, I had a little bit of wobble. I don’t believe I was having doubt or anything – just a check in my spirit, I suppose.

In the last month or so, good things have been happening. Really good things. And those things caused me to ask God, “why now? Why after that dark, lonely season are all of these things happening?” A relationship with a friend was mended, a relationship with another friend was gaining its footing into a beautiful friendship, and yet another friend who was away for a while was back. All of these things that I would have loved to happen sooner, while I felt so alone, while God was preparing me to move. His answer to my heart was meticulous, “if you didn’t go through that dark place, have those lonely moments, or feel that desperation for Me, you never would’ve moved.”

There is that.

Oh, you know… when we get so locked into our comfort zone that we don’t want to do what HE wants us to do. I mean, we do… but only as long as it’s right in front of us. Or in our own community. Or not too big of a change.

I’ve been talking about a move and/or a change of jobs for years. Years. Since I lost my house in 2010, I’ve been bouncing all over the area – 3 moves in four years. Who DOES that?! Someone who isn’t at home, someone who doesn’t have any peace, someone who is trying, desperately, to find where she fits in, someone who isn’t being obedient.

Now, here I sit. In peace. It’s washed all over me. Being obedient to His plan, is bringing comfort to my soul that I haven’t felt in … well… maybe forever.

When He is trying to speak to us, and we refuse to listen, He’ll back off for a while, but eventually we are just gonna have to face Him and what He has for us. And why wouldn’t we want to? His plan is perfect!

I mean, look at the story of Abraham and Sarah or King David or even Paul. God will eventually get through to us; it may look all sorts of ways, but eventually… His plan. It’s perfect.

There is something to be said for the total surrender in Him, complete boldness in Him, and undeniable bravery to His will. It has left me stripped of myself, but full and alive because of Him inside of me.

Psalm 143 (ESV)

My Soul Thirsts for You

A Psalm of David.

143 Hear my prayer, O Lord;
give ear to my pleas for mercy!
In your faithfulness answer me, in your righteousness!
Enter not into judgment with your servant,
for no one living is righteous before you.

For the enemy has pursued my soul;
he has crushed my life to the ground;
he has made me sit in darkness like those long dead.
Therefore my spirit faints within me;
my heart within me is appalled.

I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all that you have done;
I ponder the work of your hands.
I stretch out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.       Selah

Answer me quickly, O Lord!
My spirit fails!
Hide not your face from me,
lest I be like those who go down to the pit.
Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love,
for in you I trust.
Make me know the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.

Deliver me from my enemies, O Lord!
I have fled to you for refuge.
10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God!
Let your good Spirit lead me
on level ground!

11 For your name’s sake, O Lord, preserve my life!
In your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble!
12 And in your steadfast love you will cut off my enemies,
and you will destroy all the adversaries of my soul,
for I am your servant.

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2 thoughts on “Finding my serenity, finally.

  1. Steph as I read this I recognized that I was thinking, “My friend really does have insight into the agape of Almighty God!” And suddenly I realized why…you are EXPERIENCING IT! Countless sermons preached cannot bestow the understanding of God’s love even remotely CLOSE to as much as one moment of experiencing it. My heart is overjoyed for you, my sister!

    1. Yes! I am experiencing it! And it’s completely blowing my mind! While I thought I knew it… I mean, I know God my provider, my comforter, my healer, my authority… and I know His love for me – He sent His son to die for me!

      But, now… now it’s just all different. I’m understanding the “all in all” and the way He loves me all the way through my every single thing.

      It’s overwhelming. And wonderful. And beautiful. And full of hope.

      Thank you for always encouraging me! =]

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